It?s no wonder that women are accused of this yes-no-yes-no attitude to sex. We are conditioned to treat sex with caution and to be highly discerning or suspicious of sexual advances but at the same time we are also conditioned into using our sexuality to attract a mate.
The thing that men know, and we still haven?t yet fully grasped, is that sex is a necessary, natural and healthy activity. Men also know that they can get it and enjoy it regardless of their shape. Men rarely feel shame or embarrassment about wanting it or actively pursuing it. They don?t feel used or disrespected or cheap after sex. I?ve never met a man yet who thought I owed him something because he had given himself to me.
Penises are all shapes and sizes. If we really want to analyse it then I?d probably have to say they are O.K. but not really stunningly beautiful. In fact, the hairy balls, veins along the shaft and the little helmet at the top are really no more or no less beautiful than female genitals. In fact, if you really get down to it you, may notice there is great similarity in design between the two. The vagina is really like an inverted penis, the labia is the equivalent of the balls and the clitoris is really just a tiny little baby penis; the aesthetics aren?t important at all. Genitals are amazingly fantastic pieces of engineering. Their purpose and function is comparable to nothing.
Genitals have many sizes, shapes and colours, and yet we still get caught up in thinking that they must be ?Movie Star perfect?, pretty in pink and dainty, or as air brushed as a fashion cover page. This is yet another example of accepting propaganda and denying reality. Women?s genitals can range from pink, red, maroon, purple to black in colouring, all being perfectly normal. Minor Labia (inner lips) can be short, long, fleshy or taunt. Pubic hair may be soft or coarse and wiry, and of course some women have a lot of hair and some do not. Nipples also come in pink and brown hues, different sizes, and large or small areolae. We seem to accept that penises are different sizes both in length and thickness, some are circumcised and some are not, and balls also come in a variety of shapes and sizes.
Some women are self-conscious that everything is night next to the anus. Well think about it ? where exactly do you want it. Nice on your forehead - but a bit distracting, on your elbow would be a bit of a problem in a crowd don?t you think? Your hip may be O.K. but very limiting if you like a variety of positions, not to mention that you would throw your spine out of alignment. Really, think about it ? the position is perfect!
Another concern is fluid; some women worry that they get too wet and others worry that they are not wet enough. This fluid is soft, smooth and sensual to the touch. If this was a Chemist made product, it would be highly sought after and extraordinarily expensive. Men love the touch of a woman?s wetness, as it says, ?Yes, I want you?. Men need indications and responses to let them know that they are doing well. Men love to know you are horny and nothing says it better than sending down your juices. A smart, or at least a considerate lover, will also be aware that if you are not wet enough, he needs to spend a bit more time on the foreplay. So, don?t get anxious about not being wet enough, just thank your body for letting him know he needs to back up, slow down and pay attention. Wetness of course also protects the vagina as well as providing the slidiness. Slidiness may not be the correct term but, I?m sure you now what I mean and understand the importance of it. If dryness is a health related problem, there are excellent lubricants available and quite a lot of herbs that can help in many cases.
Probably the most self-consciousness is about smell. Yes, we have all heard the fish jokes. Most women will at some time notice a stronger smell than usual and feel concerned. If you feel you may have a problem, then see a doctor as you may have an infection or an STD. If you are healthy and do not have a medical problem, then the most probable cause is hygiene. Vaginal fluid is healthy, necessary and normal, and it does not usually have a strong odour. It has such an ever so slight and subtle smell that it is hardly noticeable and usually quite pleasant, much like sweat has a nice subtle, salty smell but if left unchecked it becomes a strong and unpleasant odour. A considerate lover will always make sure she is fresh and clean before engaging in sex. Some women are so self-conscious about their odour that they become fanatically clean and go so far as to use perfumed products. This is a bad idea, as your vaginal fluids contain pheromones which act as aphrodisiacs. That smell that you are all precious about is actually turning on your lover, so, why are you shutting it down. Perhaps, you would do better to toss out your perfume and dab a little vaginal fluid behind your ears as well.
Too fat, too thin, big tits, little tits and saggy bits.
When are women going to get over all of this? Do something about it if it really is causing you anguish. Ideally, do something with your attitude rather than your body parts. Men may have hairy arses, beer bellies or weak calf muscles, but they don?t attack their own sexuality over it, do they? Being sexy and enjoying sex has nothing to do with the size or shape of your body parts. If men have one complaint, it is this: they are sick of women making reference to body defects. They just don?t care. If you think your bum is too big then it probably is, but men don?t care. They are very interested in ejaculating into your vagina; they are not interested in skin elasticity or fat cells. Save it for your girlfriends, therapist or cosmetic surgeon.
We are self-conscious about a lot of things, and most of it is a bit neurotic. If you really care for your lover, or more so if you are in love with your lover, then it is only human to want to know that you are sexually exciting, pleasurable and fulfilling.
Techniques can be learned, practised and perfected. Everyone has a responsibility to themselves and their lovers to educate themselves. No matter how athletic or skilful you are, it will mean very little if you do not connect empathetically with your partner. No one wants to feel like they are a slab of meat being masturbated into. Empathy is about tuning into your partner: feeling, responding, sensing and caring. Having a big dick, a bag of tricks and plenty of stamina are all advantages, but if a woman feels that she is nothing more than a vessel to you, then she won?t be interested for very long.
Of course, sex can be casual, playful, debauched or just lazy as well as having many other dimensions. Any or all of these aspects can play in and out of a healthy relationship and all are quite acceptable. Most long-term relationships include ?quickie sex? or ?just getting your rocks off? sex. One night stands or casual encounters can also range from spectacular and exciting to indifferent servicing. However, one night stands and quickie sex are separate issues and I am really addressing women?s sexuality, attitudes and experiences. While acknowledging that we are all different and have different desires and needs, and that sex has a huge range of complexities, I am mainly relating to sex as a loving expression and basic human need.
Sex, as an expression of love, can be, and should be, ?A Sacred Ritual?. Society may have reduced it to a stress management technique, a sport or entertainment. Some people will compare it to a basic need as simple as having a meal. I have heard quoted ?Why buy a book when you can join a library? as a justification for screwing around. It?s easy to trivialize and devalue things, it?s easy to become cynical and detach ourselves from emotional issues, but in the end it becomes very cold and empty and within us all is the knowledge and longing that we do need to be loved. We need to love, we need to be loved, and we need to express love. The expression of love requires an intellectual, emotional and physical connection. This is where empathy comes into it; we need to know that deep within us and through all of our senses that we are being honoured. Love requires vulnerability. To truly give our innermost private self we need to feel safe, respected and to some degree a little worshipped.
We pay a lot of attention to the importance of genital stimulation, and accept that female orgasm is all about the clitoris. Too often, foreplay begins and ends with the genitals. Too often, sex begins and ends with the genitals. Although pleasure, satisfaction and orgasm can be achieved, it can and will be very unfulfilling and heartless in a long-term relationship. Sexual technique and stamina are important, but they do not make a good lover and they are not the key ingredients of great sex. For many men, sex education comes through pornography, masturbation or story telling with other men. Too often men focus on the physical aspects of sex and sometimes act like sex is a race to the finish line.
Next: Female Sexuality - a womans view of seduction Part III
