Dear Karinna,
I've been with a guy for three years on and off. This whole thing is about trust-- he does not trust me. I went to bars with my girlfriends. It was fun and not so fun. I told him afterwards, but I was wrong to beat around the bush. How can I be open to him and let him trust me? How can I make this better? Is it too late in our relationship? He told me it was too late. He's really hurt.
-- K.
Dear K.,
Being trusted starts with being trustworthy.
You have to develop your trustworthiness as a lover for your partner to feel as though he can trust what you say and do.
Whether it is too late is up to both of you.
Without trust as the foundation of a relationship love cannot flourish. As soon as one partner stops being trustworthy the relationship-whether or not the other partner is aware of it-loses its underlying stability, which in turn halts the relationship's ability to grow and succeed. Only when trustworthiness is reestablished does the relationship begin to thrive again.
Lies and manipulation are based on our feelings of low self-esteem, a lack of integrity, and powerlessness. Lies are a great indication of where we do not feel good enough, or strong enough, to share our true self and be honest.
When we are not honest with ourselves about what our real needs are (such as going out with your girlfriends perhaps to a bar) and do not communicate them truthfully, those needs live in the shadows of our psyche causing us to act out in unconscious ways.
Stepping away from a pattern of lies and manipulation requires coming more fully into a state of integrity within ourselves and claiming the courage to be honest with both ourselves and our lover. We can strengthen our personal integrity by developing healthy communication skills and taking positive action towards what we need.
A great way to have dealt with the situation is to have communicated with your boyfriend before the night out with the girls letting him know what your plans were and giving him the opportunity to express his feelings of being in favor of it or not. You could have addressed his concerns and come to an agreement that would have brought you closer together.
If you want to regain trustworthiness in both your eyes and his, be honest about your mistake in not telling him first, let him know that you have learned from it and you want to develop your trustworthiness by making sure that you are communicating with him and not keeping any secrets that would undermine the health of your relationship.
If you seek a trustworthy, intimate relationship, be the person you wish to be in a relationship with. Always speak honestly, keep your word, and act with integrity toward yourself, the person you love, and other people.
The more we trust ourselves, the more we create trustworthiness.
Keep sending me your questions to Ask Karinna. I love hearing from you!
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Wishing You Sacred Love,
Karinna Kittles-Karsten
www.SacredLove.com |
