For the last year or two my wife has not been paying as much attention to me as she used to do when we were first married.  (We have been married for 10 years.)  I go on leave often, and my wife always tries to avoid having sex with me even when we've been apart for 2 to 3 months.  I express my sexual strength much more and require more love making than her, but even if I try to have sexual relations after 2- 3 months of not having any sex my wife is exuberant initially, but later on she tries to avoid sex and would rather sleep when I'm around instead.  She also confessed that she feels lot of urges for sex when I'm away and even has lots of sexual dreams when I'm around. She quarrels with me almost all the time. I think she is probably cheating on me and not sincere.

Can you please assist me and give me some advice?  Breaking up would have a great effect on our young son.

-- F.

Dear F.,

I am glad to hear that you both are exuberant to have sex with each other when you come home from being away for two to three months. That is a sign that you two are still attracted and still want to connect to each other passionately and sexually. But that is a long time to be away regularly and these long periods cannot be easy for you or your wife. 

I can understand your concern that your wife might be cheating because something in her is shutting off after the initial romance of reconnecting when you return from your trips away. But don't jump to conclusions-- take the initiative to really discover what is going on by doing the following. 

1.  Use Straight Talk:

Have you asked her straight out why she doesn't want to or feel like having sex?

It sounds like you may have had a discussion about this since you said she feels sexual urges when you are away and has dreams when you are there. But if you haven't asked her straight out do that now-- but be sensitive and compassionate, as you are not sure what the issue is.  It may be something that you haven't even thought of.

If she answers that she doesn't know, don't let that detour you. Ask her what emotions come up for her when you approach her and what physical feelings come up. Is there something missing that needs to be added to your intimacy together that would make it more inviting and more interesting for her?  When you get into specific questions like this that don't put her on the defensive she is very likely to open up and connect with what is really going on and you may not be able to stop her-- as she may communicate about those dreams and her desire for those to become a reality in your intimate life.

You can also communicate about your own feelings, such as, "I feel concerned and vulnerable that you are not interested in me sexually, is that true?" Allow her to respond. If she says yes (and this could be a big blow to the ego) ask her why, what specifically, and how you can remedy that by either better physical fitness, hygiene, in the way you approach her, etc. It takes a lot of courage to hear what is turning your lover off, especially if it is something about you personally, but if you can really hear it and take the suggestions and then ask her for her help in making the necessary changes you will be amazed at how that can bring you so much closer together.  If she says no, that isn't it, then my thought is...

2. She is experiencing a sexual block.

This could be armoring that has been built up from relationship disappointments and intimacy wounds. Long periods away can be very difficult emotionally. Perhaps she is fighting with you and resisting sex because she is in pain about the emotional distance and doesn't want to open herself up completely. She may even fear you are cheating on her.

Or, the distance and time between you may have allowed her to become aware of underlying sexual trauma experienced as a child or resistance to love and pleasure based on the relationship modeling she had as a child.

Or, it could be a hormonal issue which would need to be checked out and dealt with by a medical doctor or holistic hormone practioner.

3. Be Proactive About Addressing the Underlying Reasons with Her.

It may still be fuzzy or unconscious for her what is actually occuring. So the only way to get to the bottom of it is for you to bring it up and start to address it not once, but regularly. These kinds of issues are very difficult to tackle alone. If either of these issues ring true, I would recommend relationship counseling to help you process through these deeper emotional and physical challenges. Do this together-- don't make it just about her. When you resolve the issues that keep you apart as a team you grow stronger and more unified in ways you never thought possible.

If, after thoughtful and sensitive communication about all of these possibilities with your wife, none of them have lead you both to clarity and movement toward resolution, then I would ask her if she has feelings for someone else. It can be very painful to face this kind of issue, the possibility of your spouse betraying you (which there may be no basis of in the first place), but, if there is, it is better to get it out in the open.  Then, with the truth on the table, you can make clear decisions of what steps are appropriate for you to take next in regards to your relationship.  If the answer is yes, I would seek help from a counselor to assist you both.

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