I am always eager to have sex with my hubby, but then I get bored quickly-- even before we get started. I know I disappoint him, but then I also tend to think he disappoints me because he is always rushing and doesn't seem to care about my needs. Please help.
-- B.
Dear B.,
Most people wind up losing their passion and sexual interest in each other because couples often slide into "going through the same initiations, foreplay (or lack of it), sexual positions, speed, and duration" over and over again for lovemaking. Of course that's boring!
Think about an activity that you do every day or every week that you never loose interest in. What about eating? Imagine if you were to eat your favorite food, perhaps roasted chicken and risotto, meal after meal. You may love roasted chicken and risotto to begin with, but if you ate it over and over again I think you would absolutely loose your taste for it, your excitement for it, and your desire to ever eat it again. Why we don't loose interest in eating is because we always eat different foods, cooked in different ways, with different kinds of herbs and spices added-- the differences, the additions, the sweet surprises, and even the new atmospheres we can find ourselves dining in is what makes us never tire of it.
I believe that mechanical, impersonalized, dull sex will not provide the proper nutrition to our bodies, hearts, minds, and spirits nor the energy needed to enrich our most important relationship.
So my suggestions are (curiosity) knowledge, skill, variety, trying something new, variety...
1st: Don't assume you know what to do to please your lover. Have you ever stopped and said to your lover, "Let's talk about what we really need to feel excited, inspired, and pleasured in our sex life"? Be really curious and ask about what it is that they find pleasing and want more of. Take the initiative to explore those things and don't be afraid to ask if they like what you are doing.
2nd: Once you know what it is your lover likes, wants, and turns them on, educate yourself and enhance your skill-set by watching tasteful sex educational DVD's, read books that inspire you to grow sexually, and listen to a trusted friend about activities they have tried.
3rd: Do it differently. Add different flavors, spices, and activities to your sex life on a regular basis.
4th: Bring the inspired and creative lover in your forward. Care enough to be a new lover. Dare yourself to take new initiatives. Plan. Play. Delight.
5th: Advanced Variety-- Design a new road map for you both to explore in the bedroom together and take a lot of test drives!
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